It Comes in Waves

It's been a really horrible past 2 days and I wasn't sure that blogging about it was the best idea but since I can't seem to talk about it without falling to pieces here I am. About two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Tyler and I had been trying since June and were very excited. The timing was perfect in so many ways. There would a good age difference between Steven and the baby and I would be due March 30th. This would mean that I would have maternity leave, come back to school for maybe a week or two and then it would be time for summer vacation. Everything was so good. I felt like things were falling into place and I just felt so happy despite the tiredness and sickness.

Well, things change fast. Yesterday I was out in Phoenix updating my teaching certificate when I felt a trickle down under. I went to the bathroom ASAP and there was a lot of blood. The doctor couldn't see me until that afternoon and at first he was really positive. He was saying that 2/3's of pregnant women bleed during their pregnancy and go on to have a healthy baby. Unfortunately, he changed his tune when he checked things out. He said that was a lot of blood and he wasn't positive at all.

Right now we're waiting for the official results. I got blood drawn yesterday and then I will get blood drawn again Thursday morning. They will check it for something, I don't remember what. If that something is going up then the baby is still there. If it's not then I have lost the baby.

To be honest, I am not feeling a lot of hope that my baby is OK. I'm still having some bleeding (not much) and I felt horrendously sick this morning. I want to be positive and believe that it's going to be A-OK but I also don't want to get my hopes up. The sadness comes and goes. I try not to think about but when I do (like now) all I want to do is cry. I had a meeting at school today with a bunch of people I didn't know and I hated having to smile and pretend like everything is fine. It's not. Things suck. Maybe it will be a good ending, a happy ending. Right now I don't know.

I apologize if you have to read about this from my blog but it's really hard to talk about. Hopefully I will be in the right mind Thursday night or Friday to let you know the results but I make no guarantee. Thanks for your prayers.

Jenny